Are you wondering if your friends are good to you or, whether you’re good for them? Ask yourself: 1) Are you preach-y or judge-y? 2) Are you a Picker or a Lifter? And, 3) Are you there for each other in word and deed? Some of us have a “love language” of performance and presence and investment…like me.

It’s great to learn what you need from others. We all need to recognize when we aren’t getting what we want. We grow in maturity when we can, without apology, require and share our expectations with the people that matter. But, in talking with a friend recently, I realized that I need to re-calibrate.

Sometimes, as friends we – especially women – can confuse being present and aware and concerned with being obnoxiously claustrophobic. It’s great to know what our friends are going through. Honesty is great, too. And, I think we definitely should let our friends know we haven’t forgotten them or their struggles. But ☝🏾

Sometimes, we overdo it. We forget to give our friends space from their troubles. We pile up our advice and hard-hitting questions. We’re not reporters, and our job as friends is not to make people feel like specimens under a microscope 🔬 or witnesses on trial regarding their own lives and choices. Sometimes the problems and wounds don’t need any more picking and piling on. We don’t have to roll in with gloom all the time. Maybe we can let infections air out when we come around instead.

I think the issue is that we sometimes get confused about how love in a friendship should look. We don’t know how to define it or, we decide that what we know how to give is good enough.

But our friends don’t need us to be lecture-y or pitying. If we default to pity and well-meaning concern every time we call, text, or meet up, we’ll become like a plague people want to avoid. If we set our tone to Perpetual Motherly Concern, we will be the Debbie Downers of our friends’ lives – exactly, what they do not want from or like about us!

A friend, Deena Gasteier reminded me of what it means to be a good friend – even when we see our friends burdened with challenges in their own lives👇🏾

It’s really hard to tell someone to stop doing the only thing they know to do. You show up. Be there; that’s how to be a good friend. Call every now and then. Remind them that you’re there. And the conversation doesn’t always have to be about the problem or the elephant 🐘 in the room. Be a breath of fresh air: Don’t just know the problems. Let people vent and be heard. When you’re hanging out with your friends, that’s your laughter and your escape.

How can we be good friends when it’s hard? Step 1) Ask your friends what they want from you; and Step 2) Be willing to learn from them and adjust.

Be there when it’s hard. And be their laughter. Their escape… 🎯