What do you do when your child tells you that she used to think her skin was beautiful.., but now she sees all the ways it can be made fun of?

What do you do when changes kick you off your high horse of comfort? My comfort zone and I parted ways after the babies stopped being babies; my comfort zone lives back in the past – when the challenge of the day was potty training.

The teen and tween issues I only heard tell of back in the day sounded far off and exaggerated. But here we are – in Mom, Dad, Parent Hell. There are forces at work, seen and unseen – hormonal and spiritual. The battlefield of the mind is crowded with fighters whose weapons of warfare are words and actions dipped in the poison of cruelty. Fingers are pointing, and weeds are being planted.

I had a talk with my oldest today – one of those talks that makes you wish you could be them for a few days… She said that her “friend” and seat partner has a racist code: She talks about “black cows” and “chocolate milk,” and my daughter says it’s meant to get her attention. I froze in the headlights of this situation that did not match my short checklist of therapeutic replies. This scenario made me pray for a body swap situation, so I could get on the bus and settle or reorder things myself…

But that isn’t happening. And our job during the tough journey of motherhood is not to go in and be Fixer. 

Let’s be honest: I’m not able to go in and fix the interpersonal squabbles between my own 3 (soon to be 4) kids! I literally dread 2 pm and the rumbling sound of the bus that starts to bring them home. Why? Because, Then begin the waves of demands, debates, and counseling. And those waves break against my weary soul till bath and bedtime 🤞🏾

I demand that homework come before play. We debate 1) whether editing an essay and retyping it on my laptop is, in fact, 💻 homework; 2) whether social studies vocab words must begin to be memorized in both directions (knowing the definition with the word as prompt and vice versa) on the first day they come home; and 3) why my girls need to bring their siblings with them to play at the park with boys – that is, whether the accompaniment of sibling chaperones nullifies the friendship 🤦🏽‍♀️ And I must counsel them. About standing up to the child who laughs at the clothes they wear. About choosing what we will believe about ourselves. About there being mean and insecure and ignorant people who may learn from my children, sometimes painfully, about what makes a person a human being.

Then I chauffeur the kids to their sports.

That’s work that tires me out and leaves me feeling like a rag whose goodness has been wrung out by all the things.

So what am I to do?

I pray. I try to still myself – in order to hear from God.

But the problem is, Just because God hears and answers my prayers doesn’t mean that everything is lickety-split going to feel resolved or look resolved. A friend of mine told me her daughter snapped at her for going to church all the time and for praying about problems: Why do you listen to worship music all the time? Praying doesn’t make everything better!

Well, let me tell you something: If we marinate in what is trying to drown us, we will suffocate. And, in the same way, if we consider and stay focused on what wants to lift us up, we will stay up when life is trying to knock us out.

We teach our babies to use a spoon, but helping to guide them toward life as productive and healthy human beings in Christ is a lot harder. It’s a long, messy bike ride through the mountains without an actual mountain bike. Well… That might not be the proper picture, but I know I often feel like I’m not equipped to do it. I feel that I lack the strength. Like I’m not wise enough…

But if anyone of you lacks wisdom, let him ask from God who gives to everyone simply, and does not reproach, and it will be given to him. 

James 1:5 (Aramaic Bible in Plain English). This is what we do, Parents: We ask God. We trust Him. We look up to the truth that is buoyant and keeps us afloat. And we wait.

We also look into therapy! Even without our own therapist, we’ve benefited from therapy: I’ve learned a lot about how to talk to my kids and about good ways to get them talking from what friends share with me about what they’ve learned in therapy. In the same way, I learned different and healthier ways to think about my marriage from a relationship coach on television. I now know that there is much to be gained from allowing someone else to help adjust your own perspective.

Mostly, Hubby says, our job is to be stable. I agree.